How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
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Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI