I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
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If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
You are what you delete.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”