“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
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My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I did not eat the cake…
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.