“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

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Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.


*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*


I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.


[10 mins into couples therapy]
Therapist: I cannot help you two.
Me: Let’s go, Betsy! See! She doesn’t listen!


A study shows that 50% of adults would fail an 8th grade math exam

The other 40% of us would rock that shit


Maybe it’s just me, but reading books on an iPad Mini, I really miss the smell, the heft, the traditional reading experience of an iPad 2.


Maybe if we served bath water for dinner my kid would actually ingest something


My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.