“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
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When you don’t understand how floors work
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there