“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
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Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Pretty much. 🤣
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Trying
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar