“I’d hit that.” Clearly what my head thinks about cupboard doors and other hard surfaces when I least expect it.

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My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.


Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids


Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..


No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!


A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.


I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.


Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit


I had an aunt who was told by the Vet to get her overweight dog outside of the house more often.
She then took him for car rides twice a day.
I worry those genes are in me somewhere.


Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.


“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :


WAITER: Would you like any dessert?

DATE: No, just the ch-

ME: CHEESECAKE. Just the cheesecake.