My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
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[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I can’t be the only one 😂
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
lol
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.