“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

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i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only


I’m no scientist, but I’m sure that gravity is at it’s strongest while laying in bed early in the mornings.


[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.


I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.


[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*


*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? ? Y ? N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? ? Y ? N


Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal


Doctor: Holy shit


I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.