“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
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People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”