“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
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I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.