My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
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DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?