You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
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Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
can’t believe I got front row seats
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.