I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
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First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.