“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
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where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Never forget.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat