I’d jump in front of a gently tossed beach ball for you.

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ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.


I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit


1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh


Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend


If there’s ever an apocalypse, you’ll recognize me because I’ll be the zombie wearing flip flops


What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator.

*drops mic*

*deletes account*


The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.


me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm


Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat


Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?

*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*