@BertCarrillo

I’d jump in front of a gently tossed beach ball for you.

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@TNeenan

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

@envydatropic

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

@InternetHippo

1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh

@RachelMComedy

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

@LuvPug

If there’s ever an apocalypse, you’ll recognize me because I’ll be the zombie wearing flip flops

@Junkyardigan

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator.

*drops mic*

*deletes account*

@BoomBoomBetty

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

@ch000ch

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

@caribbeanaj

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

@Karissajem

Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?

*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*