I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

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I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.


My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.


Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.


My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.


MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying


*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]


JON: What should I do with these extra mustard packs?
MARY: Just stuff ’em in the Lazy Susan.
SUSAN: Hey, I’m right here! (*remains seated*)


What I said: let’s cuddle

What my toddler heard: let’s practice karate moves on moms gut


Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.