@TheSofiya

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

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@DionneMcNutt

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

@TheSharona06

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

@elunatyk

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

@LostFelicia

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

@TheCatWhisprer

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

@TheAlexNevil

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

@batkaren

JON: What should I do with these extra mustard packs?
MARY: Just stuff ’em in the Lazy Susan.
SUSAN: Hey, I’m right here! (*remains seated*)

@JannaKillHimNik

What I said: let’s cuddle

What my toddler heard: let’s practice karate moves on moms gut

@tsnotoole

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.