“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
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some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
After incorrectly spelling my symptoms at least 100 times, WebMD kicked back “Listen idiot, you’re drunk. Just go lay down”
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
All Day At Night