@lazerdoov
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
@richforri
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
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@lazerdoov
@shawnspree
I would fake a heart attack but this coworker would just try to finish his story in the ambulance ride to the hospital.
@Gupton68
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
@AbbieEvansXO
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
@NickBossRoss
Do you ever think Mr. Whole is sick of tourism ads targeting his family?
@TheTalkingPipe
The cable guy said he’d be here sometime between 1:00 and April, 2016.
@BallsToIt23
Who called it “wearing a monocle” and not “putting on a bit of a spectacle?”
@_ElvishPresley_
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
@Brampersandon_
“Sir u have a hernia”
“Haha c’mon doc don’t u mean a HISnea?”
“No I meant hern-”
“Im obviously a guy. How did u even get a medical license?”
@dethbycofee
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society