“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

You Might Also Like


Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints


I would fake a heart attack but this coworker would just try to finish his story in the ambulance ride to the hospital.


When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?


Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad


Do you ever think Mr. Whole is sick of tourism ads targeting his family?


The cable guy said he’d be here sometime between 1:00 and April, 2016.


Who called it “wearing a monocle” and not “putting on a bit of a spectacle?”


ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere


“Sir u have a hernia”
“Haha c’mon doc don’t u mean a HISnea?”
“No I meant hern-”
“Im obviously a guy. How did u even get a medical license?”


stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society