@Smooheed
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
@richforri
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
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@Smooheed
@sarahclazarus
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
@thedadvocate01
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
@Mr_Kapowski
After incorrectly spelling my symptoms at least 100 times, WebMD kicked back “Listen idiot, you’re drunk. Just go lay down”
@daemonic3
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
@EmberToAsh
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
@BattyMclain
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
@GloGurL
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
@roxiqt
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
@ThunderMoni16
Me :
All Day At Night
