@richforri

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

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@Smooheed

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

@sarahclazarus

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

@thedadvocate01

Me: I’ll have a medium coffee

Barista: That’ll be $3.95

Me: With a splash of almond milk

Barista: That’ll be $17.95

@Mr_Kapowski

After incorrectly spelling my symptoms at least 100 times, WebMD kicked back “Listen idiot, you’re drunk. Just go lay down”

@daemonic3

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

@EmberToAsh

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

@BattyMclain

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

@GloGurL

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

@roxiqt

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys