Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@KickingAnchors

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

@meganamram

It was definitely Adam and Steve – what kind of straight man hangs out in a garden??

@mommajessiec

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

@BunAndLeggings

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

@olerunkbitch

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

@NurseMurderer

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

@TheCiscoKidder

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

@TheTweetOfGod

Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.

@lmwortho

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.