@richforri

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

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@lazerdoov

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

@shawnspree

I would fake a heart attack but this coworker would just try to finish his story in the ambulance ride to the hospital.

@Gupton68

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

@AbbieEvansXO

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

@NickBossRoss

Do you ever think Mr. Whole is sick of tourism ads targeting his family?

@TheTalkingPipe

The cable guy said he’d be here sometime between 1:00 and April, 2016.

@BallsToIt23

Who called it “wearing a monocle” and not “putting on a bit of a spectacle?”

@_ElvishPresley_

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

@Brampersandon_

“Sir u have a hernia”
“Haha c’mon doc don’t u mean a HISnea?”
“No I meant hern-”
“Im obviously a guy. How did u even get a medical license?”

@dethbycofee

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society