I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
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me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.