I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
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I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*