I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
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Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
🔦🌙👣
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.