I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
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God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀