WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: My experiences with you lead to an increase in dopamine and oxytocin as well
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
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Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Nelly: it’s getting hot in here
me: no it’s not
Nelly: [taking off all his clothes] it is
me: you have a fever
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Squirrel Hell and Dog Heaven are the same place
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“Huh. List says Garfield”