@garrettn
@CulturedRuffian
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
You Might Also Like
@CulturedRuffian
@breadzeppellin
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
@Pierre__4
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
@tinytittays
Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn’t serve booze and the worst singer won’t get off the stage.
@eff_yeah_steph
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
@nyquills
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
@vineyille
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
@abbycohenwl
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
@illiter8too
Took a decongestant and now I can smell time.
@ThugRaccoons
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?