@garrettn

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

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@CulturedRuffian

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

@Pierre__4

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

@tinytittays

Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn’t serve booze and the worst singer won’t get off the stage.

@nyquills

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

@vineyille

If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.

@abbycohenwl

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

@ThugRaccoons

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?