I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
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When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*