What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
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I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn’t serve booze and the worst singer won’t get off the stage.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Took a decongestant and now I can smell time.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?