I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
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Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.