freezing my bottle of water so that when i go to the airport later i can get it through security because it’s technically not a liquid
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
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Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom
Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Bedible: Any kind of food you can successfully eat in bed without excess crummage or drippage
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked