@sandjoeman

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

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@curlymalloy

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

@TheWeirdWorld

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

@Home_Halfway

Now that I have 280 characters, I just want to say – Candice, we’ve been dating for 11 years now and have 4 dogs together. We were Homecoming King & Queen. We traveled to 5 continents together. We’ve faced life and death. Now I must ask; from the bottom of my heart, will you m

@ObscureGent

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

@Ristolable

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

@soulindivision2

Mind games aren’t a challenge. “Meet me in the condiments aisle of Tesco and bring a bib,” is a challenge.

@Chhapiness

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

@chrisdowning

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

@jwoodham

Hey [STOP] Got your voicemail earlier [STOP] I’m replying with a telegram because you’re apparently a big fan of outdated technology [STOP]

@RatchetAfrican

If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.