@sandjoeman

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

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@NOTVIKING

freezing my bottle of water so that when i go to the airport later i can get it through security because it’s technically not a liquid

@decentbirthday

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

@aveuaskew

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

@pittdave13

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

@msmollybee25

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

@MsCongealiality

Bedible: Any kind of food you can successfully eat in bed without excess crummage or drippage

@stevevsninjas

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

@Shenanigans_luv

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked