I’d like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please.
“Sir, that is a sleeping bag”
*winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*

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They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.


Remember to keep the ‘inmate’ in ‘intimate’ by getting married.


Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House


me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are

date: what are you having

me: an ok time


[Mexican Restaurant]

Waiter: a little salsa for your chips, folks?

Patron: I dunno… *looks at chips* you guys want him to dance for you?


My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.


I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.


God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus


*scientist finishes bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and begins drinking the milk*

“Wait just one damn minute”

– How horchata was born