@jazmasta

I’d like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please.
“Sir, that is a sleeping bag”
*winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*

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@Loli_Sug

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

@realHamOnWry

Remember to keep the ‘inmate’ in ‘intimate’ by getting married.

@Tmoney68

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

@imskytrash

me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are

date: what are you having

me: an ok time

@realbjdunne

[Mexican Restaurant]

Waiter: a little salsa for your chips, folks?

Patron: I dunno… *looks at chips* you guys want him to dance for you?

@JeanHallow

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

@Birdhumms

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

@erinosgood_

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

@Mr_Kapowski

*scientist finishes bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and begins drinking the milk*

“Wait just one damn minute”

– How horchata was born