@TimNoEgo

I’d like to cancel my subscription to 2021.

I’ve experienced the 7 day free trial, and I’m not interested.

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@MooseAllain

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

@TeaPartyCat

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

@RandomAntics

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

@tracietom

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

@mdob11

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

@heymonroe

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

@TheBoydP

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

@DrakeGatsby

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

@DVSblast

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

@nyquills

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing