A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
You Might Also Like
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Otters see a butterfly.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.