I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
You Might Also Like
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Hit me in the face with a bird
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
When someone trying to leave me
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
all that yoga finally paid off
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.