i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
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I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.