i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

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Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.


Dear diary,

My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him.

Apparently Meth wasn’t what he expected.

Dating is bull shit


It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.


Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.


My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.


Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread


I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.


You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.


Only he who has walked through the deepest valley knows how other valleys of lesser depth are relatively more walk-throughable, valley-wise.