[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
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wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
channeling her this year
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone