I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
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Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Florida be like…
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.