2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
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Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
early stone age tool
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.