– I'd like to make a reservation. – Name? – Matthew McConaughey. – Can you spell that for me? – No.

– I’d like to make a reservation.
– Name?
– Matthew McConaughey.
– Can you spell that for me?
– No.

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

ME: bae, you wanna go out?

HER: hell yeah 😊

ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

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