@juliasegal Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
@SamuelHLowe – I’d like to make a reservation.
– Name?
– Matthew McConaughey.
– Can you spell that for me?
– No.
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@juliasegal 
@Rockenden If ever you’re feeling down, and I can’t be there to do it in person, just imagine me awkwardly patting your shoulder & looking at my watch.
@WheelTod Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
@Tmoney68 This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
@spotswoj Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
@TumbIrHumor that escalated quickly
@sixfootcandy “The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
@SwirlySkittles Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
@chuuew [first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
@HelloJessicaFox If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies