Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
You Might Also Like
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
c’mon!
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being