My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
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Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
whenever i wake up before my alarm
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks