I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
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daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?