I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
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How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
They grow up so quick
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.