“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
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[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
yeah 😭
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
The glory of fall.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
water it, i dare you
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
my mind
You just read my mind
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.