“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
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St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.