Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
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Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
peeping toms
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.