Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Why are bridges so flammable.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now