I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.