I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
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Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
How to make infinite energy.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
My background check bounced.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.