I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
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GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
May have had one breakfast too many
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty