I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

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Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.


Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.


I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.


8:I like cheese!

Me:I like cheese more.

8:No! I like cheese more! I love cheese!

Me:You don’t know what you’re getting into here.


My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.


*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*


Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.


If by mathematician you mean dividing the number of snacks in my car by the number of miles I need to drive, then yes, I’m a mathematician.