@lucky_300

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

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@RachelNoise

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

@LMHPhotog

*bursts into room

Me: GUYS! GUYS! I FOUND A UNICORN

Guys: Yeah sure,show us then!

*holds up single kernel of corn

*gets violently beaten

@TheAlexNevil

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

@pixelatedboat

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

@JB1971_

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

@blazed_ncis

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

@Sean_Burgundy_

Her: I’m going to the gym

Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine

@Dog_Marriage

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.

@amydillon

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.