I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

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This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.


*bursts into room


Guys: Yeah sure,show us then!

*holds up single kernel of corn

*gets violently beaten


What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”


When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.


Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.


*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”


Her: I’m going to the gym

Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine


Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.


“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.