Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

🙏🏾

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.