@RtrJan

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

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@GreeGreeHoist

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

@bigmacher

Please retweet my son, it would mean a lot to him, apparently his mother’s love isn’t enough for him.

#IfYourMomWroteYourTwitterBio

@hoops_Daddy

If it looks like a duck,
Sounds like a cat,
And walks like robot,
You took too many pain killers.

@david8hughes

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

@UncleDuke1969

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

@HatfieldAnne

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

@Parkerlawyer

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

@ThatEggChick

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.

People get out of the way much faster now.

@WheelTod

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

@dave_cactus

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.