I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
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I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!