I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

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If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo


Please retweet my son, it would mean a lot to him, apparently his mother’s love isn’t enough for him.



If it looks like a duck,
Sounds like a cat,
And walks like robot,
You took too many pain killers.


Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead


I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)


A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?


My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.


I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.

People get out of the way much faster now.


Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?


Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.