I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
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Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Ghost costume 😂
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.