I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
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Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*