Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
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Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Think I pulled my liver
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Cool shirt 🙂
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
🤣dope
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.