@Duke1173

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

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@sfreeze6

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

@ULTRAGLOSS

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

@ilysmooky

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

@SadieSmithRoks

Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.

@omically

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

@Gooooats

Nothing is more terrifying than hearing your wife yelling at your kids about something only to have them respond, “but dad said we could!”

@P1ssed_K1d

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets