All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
You Might Also Like
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.