Id like to thank the Walmart cashier for making me feel like big money. I guess you don’t see many $20 bills, glad you made sure its legit.

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“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise


Me: I’m really at the end of my rope



I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.


ME: It would ring, and we would… Answer it.
TEENS: but, like, how did you know who it WAS?
ME *staring into the distance* We never did…


I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.


Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.


My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.


LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied