My dad just realized that the apartment his unmarried aunt has been living in for the past 20 years with her “best friend” Irene has one bedroom.
He’s so confused.
“Does Irene sleep on the couch? She’s 83! She shouldn’t be sleeping on the couch!”
Id like to thank the Walmart cashier for making me feel like big money. I guess you don’t see many $20 bills, glad you made sure its legit.
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Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange