@JohnLyonTweets
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
@littlekitnerboy
Id like to thank the Walmart cashier for making me feel like big money. I guess you don’t see many $20 bills, glad you made sure its legit.
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@JohnLyonTweets
@Browtweaten
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
@FloodyHippie
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
@iamspacegirl
ME: It would ring, and we would… Answer it.
TEENS: but, like, how did you know who it WAS?
ME *staring into the distance* We never did…
@WhatsAGreenhorn
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
@cravin4
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
@TrondyNewman
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
@MetteAngerhofer
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
@HoneyUnhinged
Do I at least get to yell “Jenga!” if my life falls apart?
@KarenKilgariff
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied