@littlekitnerboy

Id like to thank the Walmart cashier for making me feel like big money. I guess you don’t see many $20 bills, glad you made sure its legit.

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@iknowplacesmp6

My dad just realized that the apartment his unmarried aunt has been living in for the past 20 years with her “best friend” Irene has one bedroom.

He’s so confused.

“Does Irene sleep on the couch? She’s 83! She shouldn’t be sleeping on the couch!”

I’m……

@abbycohenwl

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

@junejuly12

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

@BonaFideIntent

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

@AnOrangeSNES

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

@Darlainky

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

@simoncholland

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

@ThatDamnFireman

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.