I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
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If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
checking out some reviews of my local library
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you