I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
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Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this