“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
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Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I did not eat the cake…
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.