I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
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ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.