Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
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ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I remember back when I had to charge my Nokia 8210 once every 96 days.
My iPhone lost 4% just typing this tweet.
this has done me in for some reason
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.