I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
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*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers